It’s a f*cking meme at this point. Someone condescendingly telling you to “be yourself.”

You went to someone for genuine advice, because you’re attracted to a girl, and the advice they gave you, half-heartedly. “Just be yourself man.”

The problem with this mantra is that it’s actually true.

If you just be your genuine, authentic, unfiltered, intentful, unhindered self. You give those who resonate with your personality a chance to connect with you and almost become magnetically drawn toward you. And you filter out those who don’t resonate with you.

But the reason why I absolutely hate that mantra, Is because it is too simplistic.

What this saying and mainstream advice don’t account for is the internal blocks, negative internal dialogue, deep seeded traumas, a lifetime of negative reference experiences and a myriad of other limiting beliefs which actually restrain your BEST self from coming out.

What people actually see instead is a weird contortion of your personality, mixed with a ton of unattractive behaviours and mindsets that have been built up as a defence mechanism over years of negative reference experiences, peer feedback, poor role models and societal brainwashing.

So, when you’re talking to someone, overthinking every word, flashes of negative assumptions, and mildly defensive/ submissive unconscious body language. That might be the YOU that you know yourself as. But it isn’t the real you.

The last time you were the real you was when you were a child, living your existence without internal hindrance.

So, its time for a caveat. you know I love a good caveat:

In this article I am going to talk about what makes you, you. and how to tap into your true authentic, unfiltered self. Now I will be doing some GROSS generalisations, these topics are highly nuanced and way deeper then I can explain in a single article. I’m not writing a novel...... yet.

So, I will be simplifying these topics to make a broader point which will genuinely change the way you look at your personality and behaviour.

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NURTURE VS NATURE

What makes you, you. This begs the question, nature or nurture.

Were you born to be this way? Or were you moulded by your experiences?

Where does your behaviour come from? Is it a natural instinctual response to external stimuli or is it learned over a lifetime of experience?

And the answer when it comes down to it is obviously. Both.

Studies on self-esteem and personality show that genetic and environmental factors both play a role in the development an individuals personality. Which then determines our behaviour: the physical manifestation of our personality.

However when I think about how our environment can affect our behaviour as an adult, my mind immediately goes to a study conducted on orphans in 1939 in Illinois. This study was known as the “monster study” for reasons that will soon be clear.

This study was conducted in an attempt to determine what caused stuttering in adults.

So, the lead researcher chose 2 groups of orphans. Group 1 was well spoken and articulate, group 2 consisted of children of varying ages who all displayed early signs of stuttering.

During the experiment the researcher would tell the well spoken children in group 1, that they were developing stutters, that they need to correct it immediately if they don’t want to have a speech impediment for the rest of their lives.

And the children in group 2, who were developing stutters were told that their speech was improving and they would grow up to be very articulate adults.

Low and behold the children who were originally well spoken who were told they were developing stutters went on to become highly self conscious about their speech. With many going into adulthood with speech impediments.

And the children who originally presented with signs of stuttering, many actually improved their articulation and went on to have relatively normal speech into adulthood.

As you can see, your environment, especially as a child can have a huge impact on your behaviour and self esteem as an adult.

Side note, in 2007 the orphans who were in group 1 during the experiment got a combined payout of 1.2 million for enduring the cruel experiment.

I know that was dark. But I want to make a point.

How much of your personality is really YOU? How much of it is influenced by your environment, and childhood experiences?

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HOW EARLY CHILDHOOD PEER FEEDBACK AFFECTS YOUR SELF ESTEEM AND BEHAVIOUR AS AN ADULT.

Let me give a more relatable example of how self esteem and behaviour is influenced heavily by early childhood peer feedback.

Now this is going to be a HIGHLY SIMPLISTIC view of a factor that influences our self-eteem as an adult.

Humans are hierarchical creatures. Even now our societies are categorised into hierarchies, with the leader of countries and leaders of industry at the top. Look at how power distribution works in companies, one person at the top with everyone else underneath.

Now, the same is true for social environments. Where are children first introduced to these social hierarchies? School? No, at home.

Often the hierarchy will be between the children, with the oldest at the top of the pyramid, or within the family, with the mother or father at the top.

Now, those lower in the hierarchy will begin to learn mild submissive behaviours in response to those who are more dominant in said hierarchy.

When you put children into school. This is when these dynamics really come into play. You’ll notice social cliques begin to form, each group on a different rung on the social hierarchy and within each group, a hierarchy with the most dominant individual on top.

We don’t want to believe this to be the case, but unfortunately it is.

During early childhood, your standing in the social hierarchy is where you begin to solidify your behaviours and where you inevitably believe you lie on the social hierarchy of society.

With those who are on top tending to be higher in self esteem than those on the bottom.

This is also where we begin to understand our sexual desirability.

As those at the top in social environments tending to get the most attention from women. And those at the bottom getting the least attention.

If you were seen as undesirable by the opposite sex at a young age, this thought pattern tends to persist into adulthood.

Even if you do become highly desirable as an adult and you are given a large amount of external evidence toward your desirability, often you may deep down still believe you aren’t desirable. Or you brainwash yourself to believe that this positive attention is just temporary, or the girls are just low hanging fruit and so on.

The same thing happens to women who are given a lot of negative feedback in early childhood. They become desirable in later life with high levels of external validation, however still deep down believe they are undesirable.

Now these early experiences often are the catalyst for where we subconsciously believe we lie in the social hierarchy once we are adults.

Those early childhood experiences influencing our behaviour as adults in a large way. We learn more submissive behaviours, shy away from confrontation, learn to supplicate to those around us, afraid to offend and state our opinion out of fear of offending others.

However, if you were at the top of this social heirarchy and got a lot of positive feedback and attention from the opposite sex at a young age, good for you. You probably have less of these negative learned behaviours.

We also become afraid of expressing our sexuality at a young age, as we are shamed for expressing that we find another individual desirable.

These early experiences of being shamed for showing intent toward the opposite sex can really affect us subconsciously as adults, causing escalation anxiety, sexual shame and the inability to express our sexual intent toward a woman.

These again are all LEARNED behaviours. So, is it really you?

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HOW THIS AFFECTS YOUR BELIEFS

These early life experiences manifest as subconscious beliefs, such as:

The belief that you are undesirable.

The belief that showing intent is negative and will have repercussions.

The belief that you expressing your sexuality is something to be ashamed of.

The belief that you provide no real value to a stranger when you speak to them.

The belief that you are not worthy of having the women you really desire.

The belief you are not worthy of the life you truly desire.

The belief that you are destined for mediocrity.

Imposter syndrome

and so on.

You may experience some of these beliefs or you may have completely different limiting beliefs.

Are these beliefs what make you, you?

NO.

Some ways these beliefs will manifest in your behaviour when it comes to improving your dating life:

A person may not have standards for himself, and he believes he is unworthy of beautiful women. thus he does not screen the women he meets as to whether they are compatible with him. He just instantly becomes needy and attempts to build rapport with them, which is a highly undesirable trait for women – thus this mindset becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

The same with most negative mindsets: they become their own self fulfilling prophecies. As they manifest as highly undesirable behaviours:

another good example would be the classic “nice guy.”

He becomes friendzoned by most of the women he desires because he is afraid to show intent and is highly agreeable.

Even though he DESIRES to become intimate with the girl and may not agree with everything she says. He has learned that showing intent and being disagreeable will end in negative social consequences.

Now the “nice guy” may believe that this is him “being himself” but what this is, is a guy who is altering his REAL desires and behaviour due to negative mind sets as a result of past experiences, peer feedback and poor role models.

I cannot deconstruct every limiting belief in a single article, but because I have used the previous examples, let me deconstruct those two VERY COMMON limiting beliefs for you.

The fear of showing intent and sexuality:

everyone loves s*x, they love talking about it, they love thinking about it, they love doing it. If you haven’t read the book: my secret garden by Nancy Friday. I suggest you do so.

If a women is attracted to you, she wants you to make the first move, it is only on rare occasions she will make the first move.

I have never lost a girl from making the first move, but I’ve lost numerous by NOT making the move.

2. the need to be agreeable and fear of breaking rapport.

Women love men who have their own beliefs, boundaries and opinions. If you are not afraid to disagree with something she may say, or tease her about something, this demonstrates you are not afraid of her, you don’t take her too seriously, you aren’t putting her on a pedestal.

This also implies that you see her as the human being she is.

The mistake a lot of these guys make who are too nice, is they treat girls as if they are actually perfect and don’t treat them like a human.

She knows she isn’t perfect, and wants a guy who understands that, can have fun with her, spike her emotions, tease her, break rapport with her.

Be that guy.

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YOUR EXPERIENCES DON’T HAVE TO DEFINE YOU, YOU DEFINE YOU!

I hope I have demonstrated with enough evidence now to show you that many of the negative mindsets and behaviours you have developed from a very young age are actually irrational.

They were manifested at an age you literally knew nothing about the world.

Would you listen to a 10 year old trying to give you philosophies to live your life by?

Your limiting beliefs don’t serve you. And many of your behaviours have been ingrained from a young age as a response to negative peer feedback.

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WHAT IS TRULY YOU?

Only you can identify what is truly yourself.

I still sometimes question where some of my subconscious behaviours come from.

A compass I use to know whether I am being true to myself is whether I am acting in a way that is moving toward something I actually desire or whether I am acting in a way that avoids something I fear.

Most of these learned behaviours are defence mechanisms.

Submissive/tension relieving behaviours: in order to avoid social repercussions from those you perceive as higher on the social heirarchy.

fear of showing intent: In order to avoid being shamed by your peers.

Fear of expressing your authentic personality: fear your self esteem may be unable to handle rejection of your true authentic self.

Being agreeable and avoiding confrontation: you have been ostracised or punished for being confrontational in the past. And you were provided positive feedback for being agreeable.

Poor eye contact: fear of holding tension.

These are just a few of many, many examples.

Just like limiting beliefs, these are not your true behaviours.

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THE TRUE SELF IS A COMBINATION OF EXTERNAL AND GENETIC FACTORS.

So make sure those external factors will benefit you to achieve what you ACTUALLY DESIRE!

That is how you know you are being your true self.

No longer act in a way to avoid rejection, pain, shame and act in a way that will take you toward your wants and desires.

For example: Instead of shying away from holding eye contact because you have fear of holding tension.

Next time you have a beautiful woman in front of you, build that sexual tension with her, look deep into her eyes.

Your heart racing isn’t from fear, it’s excitement. Excitement about the possibilities that may come from connecting with this person.

Lets look at some beliefs now.

It may feel strange to tease a girl at first, because you may be afraid of breaking rapport. However the more you practice this behaviour, the more normal and enjoyable it will become as you create more positive reference experiences to replace the negative experiences.

It will become a natural behaviour when someone does something you want to give her sh*t for, you will no longer hesitate to do so.

Now some of you at this point may be thinking: if you learn a behaviour, isn’t that ultimately contradictory to “being yourself?”

Being yourself is when you go for what you want. behaviours and beliefs that hinder you doing so, are defence mechanisms to avoid perceived pain.

Most behaviour is already learned. So it is now time to re-learn and replace the mindsets/behaviours that are negatively affecting you.

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HOW WORKING ON YOUR DATING LIFE AND SOCIAL SKILLS WILL HELP YOU UNLOCK YOUR TRUE SELF.

I’m about to make a very bold statement.

Learning to improve your dating life is by far the best self development journeys one can undergo.

It’s funny. Because the behaviours and mindsets that assist you to go for what you truly desire are also the behaviours that women find HIGHLY attractive.

You’ll notice, the more you eliminate these hindering beliefs and behaviours, the more women are drawn toward you. It’s like living in a different reality.

The more in touch you become with your true self, who you truly are, the more magnetic you become.

One of the only analogies I can use to explain the emotional experience of tapping into this reality is like you were swimming upstream before, your were TRYING to attract women and it took a lot of energy, the experience was exhausting and often felt like a battle against yourself.

When you begin to re-learn behaviours that serve you, its like you begin swimming downstream, letting the river (your subconscious) guide you toward your desired experiences. And these experiences are just waiting, one after another, downstream, you no longer need to “TRY” to have these experiences, they just happen, because you’re no longer in your own way.

Getting out of your own way and re-learning behaviours which assist you to acheive what you want will allow you to achieve that coveted SOCIAL FREEDOM.

No other endeavour I have ever take part in has brought me even close to the feeling of freedom than this one has.

And for me, having the dating life of literal medieval kings is an added benefit.

Have I achieved complete freedom from hindering beliefs and behaviours yet? Probably not, and I may never completely eliminate them.

However, the more I work on re-learning these beliefs and behaviours, the closer I get to feeling complete freedom.

And I realised this benefit early in my journey, which only enhanced my utter obsession.

Now that I am living in this new reality, relatively free of these learned hindrances, my passion is to assist others to get in touch with their true selves.

Becoming SOCIALLY FREE is the reality of which we tap into to achieve the beautiful experiences in life that we desire.

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IN CONCLUSION

Once you’ve taken care of these limiting beliefs and hindering behaviours. Your brain is now working for you.

You’re no longer getting in your own way.

You need to re-learn behaviours and change your mindsets to bring you what you desire.

Then you’ll begin to unlock your authentic unhindered personality.

So,

in conclusion

Just be yourself man 🙂.

Ben sterling.